A Day After Yesterday
by Quille
Summary: "He couldn't quite recall the moment in which he had realized that time didn't have any healing power with this one. It seemed like it had happened only yesterday." [sequel to "A Day In Between"] (spoiler for an event from Jo's past revealed in 9x13 episode)
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: _CSI New York_ and its characters are the property of Jerry Bruckheimer and _CBS_. No infringement is intended, just pure fun.**

. . .

The sickly sweet smell of blood was almost too much to bear. The red pool on the floor was getting larger and larger with every second, despite Jo's efforts. It was sipping through her fingers and she couldn't do anything to stop it. In a helpless attempt at prolonging life, she pressed her hands to the wound with more pressure. She could feel the frantic thudding of the heart against her palms. It felt almost like her fingers were touching it directly.

Someone called her name. Again and again. The voice was so distant, as if it was coming from behind the brick wall. And it was easily drowned out by the shaky whisper.

''Am I going to die?''

''No, darling, no... You're gonna be just fine.'' Jo said soothingly. Her words would had better effect if not for a big, round teardrop that was slowly rolling down her cheek.

''I'm scared.'' The girl complained brokenly.

''I know.'' Jo whispered back, fighting the urge to stroke her brown hair. But she couldn't do that, she needed both her hands on the wound. Instead she just locked her eyes with girl's hazel ones.

Those eyes... They were eyes of the complete stranger. Yet they were so oddly familiar. Is this how her eyes looked like at that very moment? Widely opened with fear and glossy with tears? It was impossible not to notice in her eyes the struggle she put up for every single breath. Silent battle that was condemned to be lost anyway.

And then it just happened. Almost peacefully. She took a sharp breath that didn't leave her lungs. Her eyes were misted over with a haze. Wide opened, but unseeing. And there was no thudding in her chest anymore. Everything went still. Everything went silent. Except of the resounding 'no' in Jo's mind.

That was it. It was over. Now all she needed to do was stand up, wash away the blood from her hands and keep working like nothing happened. Then go home, eat dinner. Wake up next morning, look up at the sun, hug Ellie before she left to school. She wasn't supposed to think that someone's life had just fallen apart, that for someone this date from now would be nothing but a painful anniversary. That since now someone's heart would be torn apart, not being able to feel anything else, only to pine away. But she? She was supposed to carry on.

Jo closed her eyes slowly, trying to hold back tears, but they rebelliously leaked out from the corners of her eyes, dropping down, mixing with the fresh blood.

She couldn't bring herself to pull away.

. . .

Mac's pen hung in the air before hitting the paper he was just about to sign as he glanced at the date. For some reason he couldn't keep himself from making a quick calculation in his mind. It was his groove now. He didn't count days from the beginning of the month like normal people. Or counting them out to the upcoming weekend. Or the next paycheck. Instead of that he counted them from that day.

Today it was two months and five days. At first he had thought it would get better the next day. Then, when a week would pass. A month. He couldn't quite recall the moment in which he had realized that time didn't have any healing power with this one. It seemed like it had happened only yesterday.

How could it be any other way when they were cutting the same wound open every single time they were looking at each other? Slipping into the delusion they both created, deeper and deeper. Like they were taking part in some silly contest, pretending so hard in front of each other that they were doing just fine. That nothing had changed since that day.

Every time he thought about it, he got mad at himself. For letting that conversation took such a turn. For not speaking his mind, for bogging down in mistruths. For uttering some ridiculous statements none of them wanted to say or hear. And for letting her do the same to herself.

She told him he had been her sweetest downfall. If that was it, then she was his most blissful sin. And he knew there was no chance for him to be given absolution, because he didn't repent of it. Not at bit.

The smell of her hair, the taste of her mouth. The feeling of her skin against his. The arching of her back, the breathless moan... The list of his sins was incredibly long and he didn't regret any of them. The only thing he did, was the one he hadn't done. That he hadn't stayed with her that night.

It seemed that every sinful soul, before being damned forever, should be allowed to get the taste of heaven. Only then the suffering would be painful enough, with the knowledge of what had been lost.

It looked like he had ruined something before even starting to actually build it. He had let her slip from his embrace in the most foolish way. He had managed to make her open up to him. For a short while all her guards were down. But now they were up once again. And he knew that this time she had made sure nobody would go past them.

Now her every word was carefully weighed. Her every gesture well thought out. She was incredible in reading people, she knew what could tell away too much. Only now she wasn't using this knowledge to get closer to him like before. Now she was using it to make him stay away from her.

She wasn't showing any signs of her anguish. Nobody would ever guess something was wrong. If not for her break down that night, he wouldn't either.

She let herself being consumed by grief. She gave in to despair. He knew very well how easily it could happen. And how hard it was to bring oneself back. He would do anything to save her from experience what he had himself. If only it wasn't too late for it already...

The ringing of his phone pulled him abruptly out of his thoughts.

''Taylor.''

''Mac, you have to come to the crime scene. It's... it's Jo.''

. . .

**A/N So as you easily figured out, this is a continuation of "A Day In Between". I have to admit I don't know yet if it was a good decision to continue, I can only hope. We'll see.**

**Any opinion will be treasured. As always. But even more this time.**


	2. Chapter 2

. . .

When Mac entered the coffee shop, which now was a crime scene, the first thing he registered was unusual silence. The only sound was the broken glass cracking underfoot with his every step. He cast his eyes around the room. Four chairs were knocked over and there were shattered cups on the floor. First victim, a middle-aged man, was behind the counter. Slightly to his left was another victim. A girl, not much older than twenty. Next to her, on the floor was a tray with two more cups, teaspoons and one small plate with a cake.

Mac instantly played the possible course of events in his head. The girl was probably coming from the back with the order, holding the tray with both her hands. He briefly wondered if she had dropped it to the floor before she got shot, in a dread of what she had walked into, or just right after, before she fell to the floor herself. The corner of his mouth twitched barely visibly. He had no idea how many times he had seen it already. Wrong place, wrong time. Possible witness had became a random victim. It was hard to keep his mind from playing the 'if only' game. If only she had heard the gunshots and stayed at the back, if only she had came from the back two minutes later. If only she had excused herself and left work early. If only she had gotten another job... He could go on and on, till the infinity. Or that what it seemed, as a matter of fact it had only one, very obvious end – the dead body on the floor.

He shook his head and turned his eyes from the girl to Jo. She had squatted down on her heels, her hands still pressed to girl's chest, her eyes fixed on her face. She was as motionless, as the dead body next to her.

''What ha...'' Mac wanted to ask Danny, but his voice failed him. He cleared his throat and tried again, ''what happened?''

''Robbery went wrong.'' Danny told him, although he got the feeling that Mac had already figured that out that and he wasn't really asking about the crime. ''The owner got shot into the head. He died instantly. But the girl... She was still alive when we got here and...''

''...Jo tried to save her.'' Mac finished for him.

''Yea.''

''How long has she been like this?'' Mac asked, not taking his eyes off Jo. She clearly had to hear his voice, yet she didn't move ever so slightly. She was like frozen.

''Over half an hour now.'' Danny sighed. ''Mac, we tried to talk to her... to reason with her that she has to let them take the body. She's not reacting. I didn't know what to do...'' He added helplessly.

''It's OK. You did a right thing calling me.'' Mac simply told him. He slowly walked towards Jo, as if he was afraid to pull her out from her trance too abruptly.

Part of him had been wishing for something like this to happen. For some kind of earthquake that would crash her shell and leave her with no choice, but to come out of it. It was an awful thing to wish for, he was more than aware of it. He had only one justification for doing it – he was ready to be at her side then. To catch her before she fell, to shield her before she got hit. To take the impact of the blow and protect her from getting broken.

But now... Now he regretted that such a thought had even crossed his mind. Seeing her like this was simply too much to bear. Only now he realized how true was the saying: be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it.

With a slight hesitation he gently touched Jo's shoulder, desperately wanting to get her attention.

''Jo... please... stand up.''

But there was no answer. With a deep sigh he crouched down next to her. She didn't even seem to notice his presence. He spotted girl's name-tag on the floor and absent-mindedly reached for it. He turned it over and read the name. Then he glanced at the girl and swallowed hard. It didn't require a great mind to put two and two together. Jo was going through her own personal drama again right now, under his very eyes. And all he knew was that he had to stop her from doing it.

He placed the name-tag down on the floor and held out his hand towards Jo again. He tightly gripped her arm, wanting to turn her to face him, but much to his surprise she jerked away.

''Jo, you have to step back. They had to take... her.''

''No.'' She answered and he was able to catch an odd vibration in her voice.

''Jo, please.'' He tried again, this time standing up and pulling her up with himself.

''No... no... No!''

He wasn't quite sure against what she was really protesting. He had a gut feeling that it wasn't actually against being pulled away itself, but rather against what had happened. But then, she was trying to break free from his grip, not wanting to leave the girl's body. Her cry of protest was echoing in his ears when he lifted her up off the ground without much difficulties, despite the fact she was struggling against him. But she was light and much weaker than he was. The only thing that was strong about her in this moment was her screaming.

He knew that everyone's eyes were on them and it made him furious. He didn't want anyone to see her so upset and so broken. He wished he could hide her in his arms, keep her away from the curious glances.

As quickly as he could he carried her outside the coffee shop and put her down on the ground. Only then his grip on her lightened. Once it did, she tried to push him to the side and get back inside, but he blocked the entrance with his body, keeping her from doing it.

Her protest was now not louder than a whisper, uttered in between the quiet sobs. He was able to catch the name she told him only once, that night. It proved correct his conjectures – she was completely cut off from reality, plunged into the sorrowful illusion.

''Jo... it's not her. It's not Leanne...'' He tried to explain. ''Jo... Jo, please, look at me!'' He begged, cupping her face in both his hands, forcing her to stop struggling and look him in the eye. Her face was wet with tears, her mascara smudged. She bore no resemblance to the calm, composed woman he had known. She was completely beside herself and it was making his heart ache. He wanted nothing more than her being like she used to be. He needed to bring her back, even if it would take to go to hell and back.

Finally Jo's unseeing eyes seemed to focus on his. ''It's not her.'' He repeated loud and clear, like he was speaking to her in some foreign language.

Jo took a sharp intake of breath, the freezing cold air burned her lungs. Her head was pounding in the frantic rhythm her heart set. It felt like heavy banging against her temples, but at least it was slowly bringing her back to her senses. She suddenly became aware how sticky her hands were. The blood on them had already caked. Once again the smell of it hit her with a sickening strength.

''Let go of me.'' Jo whispered. But there was no reaction. His arms remained locked around her as he kept her close. ''Mac, let go of me.'' She repeated more firmly. ''I'm fine.''

Even though it didn't sound at all convincing, Mac moved his arms away and she stepped back a little. She held her hands in front of her and looked down at them. He followed her gaze and noticed that they were shaking visibly. Then she glanced inside the coffee shop.

''You're not going back inside.'' Mac told her, as he was reading her mind.

''I need to clean up.'' Jo said weakly, in a slightly complaining tone.

''I'm driving you home.'' He made a quick decision, trying not to think what had happened the last time he had spoken those exact words to her.

''No.'' She protested instantly. He couldn't say it surprised him. It didn't. It was almost natural to resist something that could lead straight to making the same painful mistake again. It was nothing more than a self-preservation instinct. But that was his mind coldly reasoning. And it had nothing to do with his heart.

She seemed to noticed a brief flicker of pain that crossed his features. She took a deep breath and added quickly, ''I can't come back home like this. Ellie's having a couple of friends staying over night. A slumber party. They'll all freak out when they see me.'' She explained quickly and he nodded lightly. ''Can you take me to the lab instead?''

. . .

**A/N Thank you very much for all reviews to the first chapter. I have to admit I got really surprised by the amount of it and how positive they were. I hope it doesn't seem like the story is on the skids...**


	3. Chapter 3

. . .

''I thought I asked you to take me to the lab.'' Jo murmured when Mac stopped the car in front of his building.

''You did.'' He nodded. He got out of the car and opened the passenger door for her, but she didn't move. ''You can as well clean up at my place.'' He added. ''Come.''

Finally, with an irritated sigh, she got out of the car and went after him.

''If you're hoping for the same follow up as the last time when you picked me up from the bar...'' She started, while entering his apartment. Mac stopped and turned to face her so abruptly she almost bumped into him. For a moment he didn't say anything, only stared at her.

''I'm not hoping for anything.'' He finally uttered.

''Good. Because I won't make the same mistake twice.'' Jo said firmly, sending him a ferocious glare.

''You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it becomes a choice.'' He stated calmly, fixing his stare with hers. For a moment they challenged each other, until her eyes didn't dart away.

Only then Mac left her in the middle of the hall and he walked into his bedroom. He appeared after a moment and gave her a fresh towel and a plain NYPD t-shirt. ''I guess it's the smallest one I have.''

''Thanks.'' Jo murmured and headed to the bathroom.

''I'll fix you a drink. Something hot? Or rather... something stronger?'' He asked and she hesitated for a moment.

''Hot tea will be fine.''

When Jo walked out from the bathroom almost 20 minutes later, Mac was sitting on the coach. She sat next to him, leaving the proper distance. She glanced at the coffee table, where the mug with steaming hot tea and the glass with some amber liquid were placed. She reached for the glass and drank all its contents at once. She winced slightly at the burning sensation in her throat.

Mac's eyes were fixed at her and he noticed how she clenched her fingers on the glass, so strong her knuckles went white. The thought that it might crash and cut her fingers ran through his mind, so he gently took it from her. His hand brushed against hers and he noticed how strangely rough it felt. He quickly placed the glass on the table and reached out once more, taking her hand this time. Her skin looked irritated, with some nasty abrasions and scratches to blood. He imagined her brushing her hands so hard and for so long until girl's blood was replaced by her own.

He felt like he should do something to show her his tenderness. He wanted to hide her hands inside of his. Or to kiss them, cuddle them to his face. Anything that could make her feel better. Anything that could help soothe her pain. But he was afraid it would only hurt her more. He sighed deeply. It was the same issue over and over again. The same burning desires. The same paralyzing fears.

Before he managed to do anything Jo withdrew her hand from his.

''Will you call me a taxi, please?'' She asked without looking at him. He watched her for a longer moment. He couldn't quite imagine bringing such an emotional burden home where couples of teenagers were having a midnight fun. She needed peace and quiet in order to calm down. Someone to talk to. Or even if not to talk to, then to just be with her, ready to listen whenever she felt like talking. And if not to listen, then to simply remain silent together with her.

''Jo, you don't have to do it.'' He said softly. ''I can text Ellie. Or call her. You can stay here for a night.''

''Here?'' She asked and tapped the couch cushion.

''Umm, no. In bed.'' Mac said. ''I'll take the couch.'' He added quickly. She looked at him and he was able to see a little smirk in the corner of her mouth. It started to grow and he realized he didn't like it.

''Oh, I get it. It's your idea of expiation.'' Jo said, but he didn't understand straight away. ''It's your place. You won't leave this time.'' She added bitterly.

''I didn't know you wanted me to stay. I was afraid it would be... awkward.'' He explained calmly.

''Awkward?'' She laughed bitterly. ''Yeah, feeling the way I felt when I woke up was so much better.'' She stated ironically. ''Abandoned, lonely and...'' She stopped mid sentence. She wanted to say 'used', but then she glanced at him. He was staring right at her, waiting for any blow she was going to deliver. He didn't deserve to be hurt by her words like that. Especially by those, that weren't even true. ''… and cold.'' She finished much quieter.

Even remembering it right now made all those feelings she just mentioned come back to haunt her again. She bent her legs and pulled her knees closer to her chest, curling herself into a ball on his couch. She put her arms around herself, tightly gripping her arms in order to stop her hands from shaking. That caused another image flash through her mind – her fingers digging into his biceps when he was making love to her. She clearly remembered how his strong muscles had been flexing at her slightest touch. How rock hard his whole body had been. But she also remembered how good it had felt to be held by him. How the same strong arms were capable of creating such a cozy embrace, making her feel safe and protected. Right now she wasn't dreaming about anything else, only about slipping into the comforting softness of his arms, pretending for a moment that the outside world didn't exist.

But she wasn't that kind of woman who would ask in a broken whisper a man to hold her. She knew he would do it, but it would only make her seem to be vulnerable and hopeless. Even though it was all she felt like at the moment. But the idea of wording such a request was simply unbearable. So she kept quiet, ignoring the cry of agony that was resounding inside her. She kept still, hugging her own knees, trying to deceive her mind and make it think it was someone else embracing her.

She refused to look at him, being afraid that he would be able to see in her eyes how desperate she was. The only indication of it was a quiet whisper in her own head, begging him to put his arms around her. A plea that couldn't be heard by anyone. A prayer that wasn't supposed to be answered. Then all of sudden her own body betrayed her. A strong shiver ran through her. And then another one. She knew he was watching her carefully. Too carefully to miss it.

He noticed how her whole frame quivered. Was it because of distress? Or maybe she was simply cold? Should he get a blanket for her? A sweater maybe? He frowned, wondering if it could be an expression of the yearning for closeness, than simple complaint about the low temperature.

Ever so slowly he put his arm around her shoulders. He wasn't quite sure if it wasn't his imagination, but it seemed to him like she slightly leaned towards him upon sensing his movement. So, hoping that was what she wanted, he pulled her closer to him. When she clung to him, sliding even more into his embrace, he let out a breath he hadn't been aware he was holding.

Once again he became amazed how her body fitted perfectly in his arms. How soft it was and how easily it molded against him. He breathed in her smell. Her own fragrance mixed with his shower gel. It reminded him of that night, of this one time they had been together. The same smell had lingered in the air back then. Her sweet fragrance mingled with his own, transferred directly from skin to skin. He could smell her on himself for days after that night. Until it had faded away completely. But even then he still could smell her in his thoughts.

''I'm so tired.'' Jo whispered, like she wanted to justify letting him hold her. It sounded as if she meant being tired after the rough day, but the shakiness in her voice told him it was much more. She was tired of the consuming grief. She was at the end of her rope. He remembered being there as well. He had barely made it through that point. It was almost as hard as the moment he had found out Claire was gone.

It was that very last moment when she still could let go of the past and let herself be happy again in the future. If not, her heart would be poisoned with bitterness forever. The moment in which the final goodbye had to be said. In which all complaints against the unfairness of the fate had to stop. Only then the ability to deal with what had happened would come. And only then she would be able to found peace. Peace of remembering without mourning. And loving without aching.

She cuddled her face to his chest and let out a soft sigh. It was incredible how comforting it was being enveloped by his warmth. He wasn't doing anything – not talking to her, nor caressing her. He was only holding her in his arms. But it was all she needed. A barely audible whimper escaped her at the thought he could pull away in any moment. But instead of it she felt how he leaned against the back of the couch, taking her with him, pulling her even further onto his lap. An imploring voice in her head kept repeating the same words over and over again, until it lulled her to sleep. _Please, don't let me go. Please, don't let me go. Please... don't..._

_. . ._


	4. Chapter 4

_. . ._

_Thud thud__. _The only sound Mac could hear. _Thud thud._ The only one he cared about. _Thud thud._ Softly breaking into the perfect silence of his apartment. _Thud thud._ Like ticking of a clock. _Thud thud._ Steady and calm. _Thud thud._ Almost hypnotizing.

Being so close to be able to hear it was precious enough itself. But actually feeling it, beating against his own chest... Now that was a true wonder. He didn't dare to move, not even so slightly. He breathed as quietly as he could, not wanting to disturb her peace. The peace she had finally found in his arms, sleeping soundly in the cradle that his body created for her.

Once or twice during the night she stirred a little and murmured something in her sleep, being clearly in some kind of distress. Going again through what had happened earlier that day. Or maybe even through what had happened over five years ago. Thankfully it didn't take much to calm her down again. He just tightened his grip on her and rocked her like a baby.

He couldn't help but think back to that night. Now he wished he had been stayed even more. Not only because that had been what she wanted. Not even because he had hurt her with leaving her alone. But also because now he knew how holding her while she was sleeping felt like. He wished he had lain next to her and placed his arms around her then. Holding her close. Feeling her completely naked body pressed intimately against his. He wished he had buried his face into her hair, breathing in her smell all night long.

It would have been so little – only being there with her and letting her sense his presence. Yet it seemed like too much effort, it was so much easier to just leave. Her ironic remark about him wanting her to stay at his place tonight being his idea of expiation rang in his ears. She was probably right. Some damages weren't meant to be repaired, leaving the only choice – to admit a mistake and make a promise of never making it again. The most painful lesson life can taught.

He felt how she let out a soft sigh that tingled his skin. He looked down at her. She started to stir slightly, but not with the uneasiness caused by a nightmare. She was waking up, fighting the density of her sleep that didn't want to let go of her and give her back to the reality yet. He watched how her consciousness was slowly coming round. A little dreamy smile played on her lips. Then she sleepily nuzzled her face against his neck and he couldn't help but smile at the feeling. Finally her body became lighter, it tensed a little bit and she made an attempt to free herself from his embrace and pull away from him.

''Don't.'' Mac told her in a quiet voice and he felt how she leaned back against him, her body relaxing again.

She stayed silent for a longer moment, then she sighed lightly and spoke, her voice still hoarse from her sleep, ''I'm sorry for my breakdown last night.''

He wanted to tell her she had nothing to be sorry about, but he got the feeling she wanted to say something more, so he just kept quiet in order not to scare away those words she was just about to share with him. ''It's just... I imagined Leanne's death so many times.'' Jo added in a shaky whisper. ''It keeps tormenting me that she was all alone then.'' Her eyes were fixed at some undefined point in the space and he knew that what she was seeing right now, was the image in her head. ''They took her to the hospital and supported her vital functions, but only because she had an organ donor designation on her driving license. My mama was with her then. When I arrived... she was already...'' She tried to say this dreadful word, but failed miserably. He squeezed her fingers, silently letting her know it wasn't worth putting on struggle to utter it. He knew very well what she was trying to say. ''I didn't even get a chance to see her for the last time.'' She finished with sadness. She made a short pause that two little tears took an advantage of, escaping from beneath her eyelids. She quickly wiped them away and added, ''so when yesterday this girl was bleeding out on the floor... and when I saw her name-tag... I think my mind went crazy, confusing all those images I have in my head with reality.''

Mac nodded silently. He knew all the tricks that the overcome with despair mind could play.

''For a long time I used to accost women on the street. Women that looked like Claire. With strawberry-red, straight, long hair.'' He said quietly. It was something he had never shared with anybody. It was enough for everyone to know about his loss, about his grief. They didn't have to know he had almost lost his mind because of it. ''I mean... I knew she was gone. But every time I saw a woman like that, I had to check...'' She sat up in order to look at him. He turned to face her and met her gaze. The first rays of the morning light reflected in her glossy eyes. ''I guess it's possible for a mind to get dazed by emotions so much, that the knowledge isn't enough.'' He added with a sad smile.

''Yea.'' Jo nodded. She closed her eyes and rubbed her face with her hands like she wanted to get rid of all emotions that were written all over it. Then she sighed deeply. ''I don't know why I still react like that. It's been five years for God's sake. Five long years. I really shouldn't.'' She shook her head. Then she continued in a quiet voice. ''It's so tiring, that sometimes...'' She hesitated for a moment, ''it's really awful, but sometimes I wish... she was never born.'' The last words were only slightly above the whisper. She cast him an unsure glance, like she was afraid he would be shocked. He wasn't. He was the last person to judge. For those past years he had felt the whole range of emotions – from the love so strong he was considering to follow Claire in her death, to the blind hatred that she had dared to leave him alone in this world.

''At some point I wished I'd never met Claire, too. Never fallen in love with her.'' He admitted. ''But I knew it wasn't true. And you know it, too, Jo. It's just another way of the suffering mind to deal with the pain. Another one that isn't really working.'' He added sadly and Jo nodded. ''But now? I don't wish for it anymore. She gave me 12 wonderful years. The best time of my life. She made me happy so many times...'' His voice trailed off and Jo watched in amazement how his eye lit up for a brief moment. ''No, actually she was making me happy constantly.'' He corrected himself and smiled to his thoughts. ''And she made me sorrowful only once. For a lifetime, true. But only once.'' In the past it wouldn't be possible for him to stop himself from going down this road. But now the grief, although it was still there, wasn't so overwhelming and so out of control. He looked at Jo again and smiled lightly. ''After a while I understood it's not worth trying to forget all the good things. I know it's painful to keep them as memories, knowing those moments won't ever happen again. But that's why they have to be memorized.''

She knew he was right. She had pushed this little collection of memories as deep down, as she could. But they were there. She wasn't ready yet to pull them out, take a closer look at every single one of them and then cherish them forever. But she hoped the time when it would be possible, would finally come. If he was saying so, it had to be true.

''Why is it so hard to get over it... Sometimes I think I never will.'' Jo sighed sadly.

''You will.'' He assured her in a calming voice. ''You need a closure. You need to say goodbye, that you didn't get the chance to say.''

''Have you done it?'' Jo asked, looking up at him.

''Yes, last year.'' Mac nodded. For a brief moment he thought about that day when he had gone to the beach and threw two tickets for the opera into the ocean. It was like resigning himself to the fact some things belonged to the past, even though they had never happened. They remained as unrealized plans, unfulfilled dreams.

''Did it bring you peace?'' Jo asked with a quiet hope.

''It did.'' He confirmed. ''Now I'm finally ready to move on. Ready to be happy again.''

''How am I suppose to do it?'' She asked, sounding unusually hopelessly. He put his arm around her and pulled her closer once more. ''How to say goodbye to someone who isn't already here?'' She asked again and placed her head on his shoulder.

''It's not about her hearing it. It's about you saying it.'' Mac whispered.

_. . ._


	5. Chapter 5

. . .

Mac read through another page of the report. Before turning it he reached for his mug. It was quite an efficient way of working – one page, one sip of the coffee. Although right now he got thrown out of his rhythm as his mug occurred to be empty. He stared dumbly at it, trying to figure out how it was possible for him to take the last sip without realizing it. Then he shrugged his shoulders lightly and stood up. At least he had an excuse to take a break.

As he was making his way to the kitchenette he glanced towards Jo's office. He was a creature of habit, he always did it. It made sense when Jo was inside, working. Even catching a glimpse of her was making him miss her a little less then. But right now he almost rolled his eyes at himself. It was well beyond midnight and he was sure there was not another soul in the lab. Her office was of course completely dark. He sighed and continued walking. While in the kitchenette he set the coffeemaker and waited patiently for his coffee to be ready.

He knew that Danny, Sheldon and Jo had finished processing the crime scene around 10 p.m. Danny had brought the evidence to the lab. He wished it had been Jo instead. He wanted to see her again, to wish her goodnight. Just anything to get the chance to check on her, to make sure she was fine. But it seemed she had gone home straight from the crime scene.

He took his mug and headed back to his office. While walking past Jo's office his eyes darted to it on its own accord. Before he mentally kicked himself for doing it again, he stopped dead in his track, as he spotted the dim light of the desk lamp. He blinked twice, for a moment not sure if his vision wasn't failing him. He moved closer to the door and opened them, quietly entering her office.

Jo was sitting behind her desk, completely still, with her face hidden in her hands. It crossed his mind that maybe she was asleep and for a moment he considered leaving her undisturbed. But then he thought she shouldn't be here at this hour in the first place, so the anxiety that something had happened finally prevailed.

''Jo...?'' He asked in a quiet voice, but from the sudden flinch of her body he could tell she got startled anyway. She lowered her hands and looked up at him. ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.'' He added in a soft voice. ''What are you doing here?''

''I needed some peace and quiet to think.'' She answered. Mac noticed that her voice was calm, without this breathless vibration which, as he knew now, was the indication of the storm of emotions going through her.

''Oh... OK.'' He nodded and made an attempt to turn around and leave her alone, if that was what she wanted.

''To think about what you've told me.'' She added quickly, stopping him efficiently from leaving. ''About saying goodbye.'' She specified and looked away in order to focus on what she was going to say. ''I've tried to put it somehow in my head during those past days... but it isn't really working. So I decided...'' She hesitated for a moment. ''God, it's so stupid...'' She sighed and looked back at him. ''I decided to write a letter. To Leanne.''

''I don't think it's stupid.'' Mac told her firmly. ''I think it's a perfect way to... sort out your thoughts and feelings.''

''Yea... I just... for some strange reason didn't feel like doing it at home.'' Jo confessed.

''Well, the lab at this hour seems to be perfect then. It's completely deserted.'' Mac said with a little smile. Then he shifted slightly, not sure what he should do.

Jo seemed to sense his irresolutely as she raised her head and looked him in the eye.

''Are you planning on going home tonight?'' She asked. He furrowed his eyebrows slightly. Was she asking because she wanted him to leave her alone or because she wanted him to be around?

''Actually... I was going to work on the case for a little more, but...'' He stopped mid sentence, as he noticed how she seemed to be relieved by what he had just said. ''Umm, yeah. I'm going to stay.'' He made a quick decision.

''That's good.'' She said in a quiet voice, making it clear what she was hoping for when she asked him if he was going home tonight.

''So... I'm going to be in my office.'' Mac said, trying not to roll his eyes at himself for such a dull statement. Of course she knew where she could find him. The thing he wanted to tell her was that he would be there for her if only she needed anything. If only she needed him. But even though he worded it rather poorly, she seemed to understand.

''OK.'' She said with a smile. That special smile of hers that was barely noticeable on her lips, making its corners go up ever so slightly, but was so easy to catch in her gaze. He stared into her eyes, a little too long than he should. Then he cleared his throat and, without saying anything more, he left her office.

It was extremely hard for him to focus on work again. He couldn't stop himself from thinking how she was doing. She was so close, only across the hallway. But the truth was she was much more distant than that, being in some place only she knew, trying to deal with her memories, sorrows and hopes.

Finally, when it was slightly past 2 a.m., he couldn't take it anymore. He took his mug, which provided him a rather poor alibi for leaving his office, and headed to the kitchenette. He stopped in front of her office and he instantly forgot the mug in his hand.

At first glance it seemed like nothing had changed since he had seen her for the first time this night. She was still sitting with her face buried in her hands. But this time it didn't look like she was asleep, as her shoulders were trembling violently. He glanced at her desk, where the open pen and the page covered with her handwriting were lying. He turned his gaze back to her, for a moment wishing he had left the door to her office ajar as only then he would be sure she was really crying. But as soon as this thought popped up in his head, he realized he didn't actually need this door to be open to hear it, as her sobs started to echo in his ears.

Without thinking he took two steps towards her office, but then he stopped. He gripped the mug tighter with both his hands, even though in his head he felt like smashing it against the floor. Watching her crying was too much to bear. It felt like being hit with a hammer in the chest, as suddenly there was no air in his lungs and he felt like he was going to suffocate. All he wanted right now was enter her office and take her in his arms. To stop her from crying, to make her smile, to make her happy. But he knew he couldn't do any of those things, as she had to go through it all by herself. Only she knew where it hurt the most, so only she was able to make it better.

He remembered his own pain of saying goodbye. But it wasn't as bad as watching someone else going through it. Someone who was more important to him than he had realized. Someone who he cared about like he hadn't cared about anyone in years. Someone who he...

Before this one word resounded in his mind he managed to silence this thought completely. This world had disappeared from his dictionary a long time ago, not being allowed to be spoken. Not even in his mind. But it found its way back to him anyway, as it didn't have much to do with thinking, only with feeling. And right now he was feeling this sweet, tingling sensation spreading through his whole body, like the message being sent from his heart to every cell: this is the woman who you love. With every single bit of your being.

He had no idea where he found the strength to turn around and left her there alone. He returned to his office and slumped down into his chair. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to slow down the herds of thoughts that were galloping through his head.

He didn't know how long he was sitting like this, maybe a couple of minutes, or maybe more than an hour, but suddenly he sensed Jo's presence. He opened his eyes and saw her standing right in front of him. Her eyes were red and puffy, her face slightly paler than usually, but other than that she seemed to be calm.

''Hey... how are you?'' He asked with a little, slightly sad smile.

''Better... I think.'' She told him quietly.

''Do you want me to...'' He started, but before he finished she nodded, not even knowing what he was going to say. It touched him, as it seemed it didn't really matter what he wanted to do, she was agreeing on everything that could make her feel better, anything that could provide at least some comfort. ''Come here.'' He said and opened his arms for her.

Before she made a move towards him she instinctively looked around, as if for a moment she had forgotten it was the middle of the night and they were completely alone there. Then she took a few steps, cutting the distance between them, and easily slipped onto his lap and into his arms. They both sighed. For him it was a sigh of relief that he was finally able to hold her like he had wanted. For her it was this happy sigh one let out when coming home after a very long and very tough day.

''I only don't know what I should do with it now.'' She told him after a moment. ''How did you say goodbye to Claire?''

''I went to the beach and threw into the ocean the tickets for the opera that I gave her that morning.'' He said quietly.

''Why did you go to the beach?'' Jo asked.

''I don't know...'' He shrugged his shoulders lightly. ''It somehow felt right. The ocean can take just everything from you. But at the same time it can give you something. Usually something completely unexpected.''

She pulled away slightly in order to be able to look at him. She kept quiet for a moment, weighting his words. Finally she said, ''I like it. To throw the letter into waves. Only not on a beach. Rather from some high cliff.''

''I know such a place.'' Mac told her. ''Come on, we can go there right now.'' He added and moved his hands to her hips, wanting to lift her up from his lap.

''Now?'' She asked in surprise. ''It's the middle of the night, Mac.''

''It's way past 4 a.m.'' He noted. ''The night is almost over.''

. . .

**A/N Many thanks to all of you who are still reading and providing feedback. It really means a lot.**


	6. Chapter 6

. . .

When Jo got out from the car the cold wind hit her with such a strength that for a moment she couldn't breath. It was still dark, although near the horizon the dawn was already breaking into the night.

''So how...'' She started, pulling out the letter from her pocket. Mac didn't let her finish.

''I have an idea.'' He said and took the letter from her hand. He put it on the car hood and started folding it, creating a paper plane. ''We're gonna make it fly.'' He murmured. His fingers froze for a moment when he spotted Jo's signature at the bottom and she wondered if maybe he wanted to read it. She wouldn't mind, as he already knew it all. But he didn't ask for it.

He returned to folding the paper and very soon the paper plane was ready. He gave it back to her and she slowly moved to the edge of the cliff. She looked down, at the waves crashing against the rocks, then at the horizon, where she noticed the tiny piece of the sun already coming to the view.

''Jo?'' Mac asked somewhere close. He was standing right behind her.

''Yeah?''

''Wait a moment, OK?'' She didn't know why he was asking for it, but it didn't really matter. There was no rush, they had time.

Mac stared at the rising sun and thought about the day when he himself had said the final goodbye to Claire. It had been a strange feeling, mixture of sadness and happiness. Acknowledging that some chapter of his life was definitely over and agreeing on picking up the pen to write the next one. It took him 11 years. He used to think that this time was completely wasted, that it should be cut out from his life, giving him only sorrow and pain. But now he started to think that maybe there was something good coming from it too. At least he could understand how losing someone felt like. And he could show to Jo that it was actually possible to get through it. And be able to love again.

He turned his eyes to Jo and wondered how strongly her grief was holding her back and preventing from moving on. How hard she silenced her heart, reasoning with it that it shouldn't love again, as love was too risky, bringing as much pain, as happiness.

More then a half of the sun was visible now and Jo turned to Mac, sending him a questioning gaze. He nodded and she lifted her hand. She stayed like that for a moment, waiting for the wind to calm down slightly, and finally she threw the paper plane in the air. It flew over the cliff's edge, getting caught up by the wind which took it higher and higher.

Mac wrapped his arms around Jo's waist, as he felt an irrational fear that she hadn't let go of it completely and it would pull her with it. Before she could react the sky turned almost black with the birds that came out of nowhere. It seemed like there were hundreds of them and the paper plane disappeared somewhere in the middle of this swarm.

''Whoa...'' Jo whispered in awe. ''Swallows?''

''Yes. Cliff swallows. They have their nests here.'' Mac told her quietly.

''You knew about it?'' She asked, watching the birds that were cutting the sky in every direction.

''Yes, I did.'' He said with a smile. ''They start to catch insects after sunrise.''

She barely nodded, being completely mesmerized by the view. He felt how she let out a deep sigh, like a huge burden was off her chest.

They stayed silent for a couple of minutes, until Jo spoke again, ''you said that ocean can take everything, but it can also give you something...'' She hesitated for a moment before continuing, ''so when you threw those tickets into the ocean... what did you get back?''

''I think you know.'' He answered mysteriously, which made her frown. But at the same time his arms encircled her further, making his embrace on her even tighter and her frown turned into a smile as she realized how his body language gave him away. She didn't say anything in response, only put her hands on his. Her fingers traced his strong hands, caressing gently. She felt how he leaned forward and pushed her hair slightly aside with his nose. His lips brushed against her earlobe, making her heart significantly quicken its pace. And then she heard his voice, his whisper directly in her ear.

It seemed as if the whole world froze. As if the Earth stopped spinning. The swallows hang in the air. The wind ceased, the ocean calmed. Her breath got locked in her lungs, her hands stilled on his. Only her heart was throbbing quietly in her chest. And then he whispered those words again. Those words she hadn't even dared to dream of hearing. But her heart had never given up this timid hope. Now it jerked violently and picked up a frantic pace like it wanted to break through her ribcage and get free.

She turned her head slowly and looked at him. She let out her breath, making a sound that could be a beginning of crying, as well as being follow up by a laughter. He couldn't tell. He looked at her face, but it didn't help, as there was a shy smile on her lips and a hint of tears in her eyes.

Her hands slipped from his, taking away the warmth of her touch and she pulled away. For a brief moment he felt like dying. But then she turned around to face him, still keeping so close that her body brushed against his. She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him so strongly, as if her life depended on it. Not at all gently she pulled him down, towards her, until their lips touched.

The taste of her mouth. He had tried not to remember it, as he was sure it would make him go crazy. But now it hit his senses with a double strength, mixing evoked memories with the thrill of the reality. His arms encircled her once more, pulling her even closer, almost lifting her off the ground. Her hands were caressing the nape of his neck, then going up into his hair, while her lips remained locked with his.

He could promise to himself to take it slow. To take his time and to cherish every second. The reality would have only laughed at him, as it was simply impossible. Not with her kissing him like this. He deepened the kiss and felt a moan vibrating in her. Finally she broke the kiss and pressed her cheek to his, as the need to breathe was as strong as the need to stay close to him. It took her a long moment to get her breathing under control and when she did, she whispered the same words she had heard coming from him earlier. He cradled her head and looked ahead, at the rising sun. Its rays suddenly seemed blurred to him and he had to blink several times to make his vision sharp again.

She slightly pulled away and he lowered his eyes. She looked even more beautiful than usually, having some kind of glow. It could be from the sun that was still hanging low. Or it could be from something else. He smiled and brushed his lips against hers once more, as he was already missing their taste.

''You're cold.'' He murmured. She shook his head, keeping her eyes focused on his lips. Then she licked hers, indicating not at all subtly that she wanted to be kissed more. ''You are. Your nose is cold.'' He said and playfully kissed the tip of her nose, making her chuckle.

''Maybe a little.'' She admitted, this time looking him in the eye. Her eyes were sparkling so beautifully, that he almost forgot what he was saying.

''Should I take you home?'' He asked.

Simple question. He had asked it so many times before, having on mind exactly what it meant – 'do you want me to give you lift to your place'. But today there was so much more behind it. And from the look in her eyes he knew that she understood it all.

''Yes. I want you to take me home.'' She whispered.

. . .

**A/N Thank you very much for all kind of support - although there was this anxiety in me all the time that I shouldn't have continued, your positive feedback kept proving me wrong.**

**So the sequel is actually over. I'm planning on writing an epilogue to both, "A Day In Between" and "A Day After Yesterday" and post it as a separate, one-shot. It should be up soon.**


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